Not developing can lead to illness. Interview with family education | Psychiatrist Chen Fafa ③: Family is like the relationship between life forms | Family | Family education
Going to the study: In a family, there are relationships such as marital, parent-child, sibling, and possibly other relationships. What is the most important relationship that affects the level of family health?
Chen Fafa: Dr. Li Weirong, a family therapist, once conducted a very meaningful experiment by measuring a child's electrophysiological response to evaluate in what kind of family relationship, the child's emotional response is the most intense. The results showed that the most intense emotional response in children is not due to criticism or blame from parents, or their own mistakes, but rather conflicts between parents. That is to say, what children are most concerned about is the relationship between parents, and the most important relationship in a nuclear family is the marital relationship.
The evaluation of marital relationships is the most important part of family health assessment, and divorce and separation are important indexes for evaluating marital relationships. Divorce means the disintegration of the marital relationship, which will inevitably have a negative impact on children's psychology. However, this impact is not devastating, and if handled properly, it may also become a resource for children to learn how to handle conflict relationships. After divorce, couples should fulfill their responsibility of raising and educating their children, making them realize that being loved has nothing to do with their parents' divorce. Children should understand that parents are separated not because of you, but because there are some problems between parents that cannot be reconciled. Separation is happier than being together. Proper separation can help children understand that happiness in life can start with the union of two people or the end of a relationship. This is also an important life experience for children.
Dr. Chen has set up a video account to tell family stories in psychological clinics and spread knowledge about mental health.
Therefore, it is not enough to judge the health of family relationships solely based on whether they have divorced. The key is to look at the interaction during the divorce process: whether to solve problems through mutual harm? Will marriage issues be extended to children or others? Do you still hold a grudge against each other after being separated? Does divorce make it difficult for families to start a new life and create a cloud of worry? If so, then the health of family relationships will be greatly compromised.
Although the family is complete, there are constant conflicts between spouses, and if children are involved, loyalty and division can occur, which is a great harm. Furthermore, if both parents or one of them insist on a non emotional or even harmful marital relationship for the sake of their child, it is ethically understandable, as everyone has the freedom to choose how to live. However, please remember that this is your own choice as an adult, not your child's choice. Do not attach the pain and grievances you have experienced in this marriage to your child. Please do not tell your child, "I am all for you, I did not divorce." Do not let your child bear heavy shackles on their parents' marriage.
Going to the study: Everyone hopes to have a healthy and happy family in their hearts. How to keep the family healthy?
Chen Fafa: Firstly, treat family members with an appreciative attitude: can you accept the shortcomings and shortcomings of your family? Can you feel the support and help of your family? Can you see the strengths and weaknesses of your family? Can you appreciate and love your family? The first step in improving family relationships is to appreciate and praise. There is no perfect thing or person in the world, nor is there anything completely unattractive.
Secondly, parents need to grow themselves. Some parents say that it is difficult for me to discover the strengths of their children. Seeing their mischievous behavior, poor academic performance, and disobedience makes me angry and even praise them? At this point, parents need to calm down and examine their emotions and inner selves: is it because the child lacks strengths, or is it because we ourselves are filled with inferiority complex? Only individuals with independent personalities and inner health can handle their unfulfilled wishes and emotions without involving others. Parents with non independent personalities are very likely to invest their negative emotions and unfulfilled wishes in their children. Children are unwilling to take on tasks and emotions that do not belong to them, leading to emotional and behavioral problems or physical illnesses, resulting in parent-child conflicts.
Once again, it is important to establish clear and flexible family rules. In the family, it is necessary to be full of understanding and tolerance, but not to indulge blindly. Establishing family rules is necessary. Family rules are gradually established in family interactions, and they are different at different stages and need to be flexibly changed. Clear and flexible family rules allow family members to feel both appropriate restraint and warmth and security, gaining strength.
The characteristic of clear family rules is to allow family members to have the right to think independently and make decisions, appreciate and encourage each other.
Finally, and most importantly, marital harmony. Love your significant other well, they are more important than your children or parents.
"Why Families Get Sick" by Chen Fafa, published by Machinery Industry Press
